Friday Night Free For All

I am sitting here at work unable to peel my rear end up out of the seat in order to make myself go home.

I've got some not so random thoughts running through my head. I am feeling quite anxious and restless. Consider this a dump into which I am pouring them out so that I might find some relief.

1. The diet is good. I had another great week (2 in a row) of staying on program. It was a perfect week for the diet. Go me! I've returned to the basics from when I first started out - WW Smart Ones meals, Progresso soups, fruit, coffee and water. I added a side order of eggs and pico de gallo from Taco Cabana though. I need the extra protein since I am walking 5 miles per day now. I plan to do this for at least 2-3 more weeks. It is simple. It works and it gets me back on the fast track to losing the last 80 pounds.


2. Do you know how much protein you should be eating per day? I didn't.
   (weight/2.2) * 0.8 = g protein per day


3. The scale isn't budging one little bit but I know why. It is the bane of all womankind. It rears its ugly head next week. Oh well, I know the scale is going to have to eventually give up the numbers I really want to see. I just have to be patient. Yeah right! Patience is for the weak. Veruca really was the patient one, she was willing to wait. I want it last week!!!


4. I found out that our vacation benefits are changing. We are getting more time, but we can roll less of it over each year. I was already freaking out about how to take 80 hours before the end of the year. If I have to take an additional 40 hours I don't know how that is going to happen with all that I have on my plate. I know, such problems, huh? It is though because I do want to take the time. I just don't know if I have the time to do it.


5. I guess the greatest source of my anxiety is ThatMan (his name from now on). He keeps attempting to draw me back into a congenial sort of relationship. I don't want that. I hate that it seems so easy and natural. I slide right back into it without even realizing it. He doesn't deserve it. This is the one time that I need to hold onto the hurt/anger because it keeps the damned walls up. The walls are good. They will keep me safe and protected so I won't wind up spitting out my kicked in teeth again. It is just hard to do because I don't live that way. I believe in forgiveness. There is no avoiding him either. Oh how I wish I could do that. It would make things so much easier. I've done well in not allowing him to engage me in personal chatter. I either remain silent or change the subject. It just takes so much work! Today was hard because a call went on and on even when nothing was really being said simply because the connection was there. At least that is my perspective. I don't know what he is doing. He pushed me away but still wants me to be there too. I hate this. I really do. Who would have thunk that life would have been simpler when I weighed 370 pounds? I never had such angst then.