Friday Night Free For All

I am sitting here at work unable to peel my rear end up out of the seat in order to make myself go home.

I've got some not so random thoughts running through my head. I am feeling quite anxious and restless. Consider this a dump into which I am pouring them out so that I might find some relief.

1. The diet is good. I had another great week (2 in a row) of staying on program. It was a perfect week for the diet. Go me! I've returned to the basics from when I first started out - WW Smart Ones meals, Progresso soups, fruit, coffee and water. I added a side order of eggs and pico de gallo from Taco Cabana though. I need the extra protein since I am walking 5 miles per day now. I plan to do this for at least 2-3 more weeks. It is simple. It works and it gets me back on the fast track to losing the last 80 pounds.


2. Do you know how much protein you should be eating per day? I didn't.
   (weight/2.2) * 0.8 = g protein per day


3. The scale isn't budging one little bit but I know why. It is the bane of all womankind. It rears its ugly head next week. Oh well, I know the scale is going to have to eventually give up the numbers I really want to see. I just have to be patient. Yeah right! Patience is for the weak. Veruca really was the patient one, she was willing to wait. I want it last week!!!


4. I found out that our vacation benefits are changing. We are getting more time, but we can roll less of it over each year. I was already freaking out about how to take 80 hours before the end of the year. If I have to take an additional 40 hours I don't know how that is going to happen with all that I have on my plate. I know, such problems, huh? It is though because I do want to take the time. I just don't know if I have the time to do it.


5. I guess the greatest source of my anxiety is ThatMan (his name from now on). He keeps attempting to draw me back into a congenial sort of relationship. I don't want that. I hate that it seems so easy and natural. I slide right back into it without even realizing it. He doesn't deserve it. This is the one time that I need to hold onto the hurt/anger because it keeps the damned walls up. The walls are good. They will keep me safe and protected so I won't wind up spitting out my kicked in teeth again. It is just hard to do because I don't live that way. I believe in forgiveness. There is no avoiding him either. Oh how I wish I could do that. It would make things so much easier. I've done well in not allowing him to engage me in personal chatter. I either remain silent or change the subject. It just takes so much work! Today was hard because a call went on and on even when nothing was really being said simply because the connection was there. At least that is my perspective. I don't know what he is doing. He pushed me away but still wants me to be there too. I hate this. I really do. Who would have thunk that life would have been simpler when I weighed 370 pounds? I never had such angst then.

5 Mile Commitment

If you take a gander at the sidebar over there to the right you will notice I have added some activity content - my Nike+ Mini and my Twitter activity feed. It is a measure of accountability for me. If I slack off on the exercise, it is going to show.

I decided that it is time that I get serious about exercise. Along with getting myself back on track diet-wise, and not letting the same 15 pounds find its way back onto my body yet again, I have committed to walking at least 5 miles per day - 6 days per week. This was a hard decision because it takes real commitment. I am no longer allowed to slack off. I've lost over 100 pounds. However, the remaining part of the second 100 pounds I have to lose isn't going to fall of quite as easily. I am going to have devote myself to exercise and make it a top priority in my life if I want to reach my goal.

The plan involves:

1. getting up early and walking 2+ miles
   
2. following that up each evening with whatever remains of the 5 mile goal
   

I have been successfully following this plan since Saturday and found that splitting the 5 miles up into multiple walks/runs is so much easier than walking 5 miles at one time. On the weekends I am going to mix it up - walking wherever and whenever I can throughout the day.

Long Story Short & A Longer Story

Where have I been for the past 4 months?

Long story short? I have lost, re-gained, lost (repeat cycle a few times) the same 15 pounds over and over again. It has been frustrating to say the least. On the upside I am now on the losing end of that 15 pounds once again and am no worse off than I was at the end of June and that is a major miracle in and of itself.

Now for the longer story.

June was hard.

I've known a man for years. We've always gotten along and had developed, or at least what I thought had developed into, a pretty great friendship. When we attended events, we always hung out almost exclusively with each other. He always approached me. I left that up to him because I wanted it to be his choice and not my inserting myself where I was not wanted. He's known me at my heaviest weight ever - back in the days when all I wore were stretchy pants and t-shirts because I couldn't fit into anything else and never wore makeup or paid much attention to my hair. In other words, he has seen me at my worst and still chose to spend time with me. This guy was a solid guy. He was one of the good people, or so I thought.

In June he decided to stop speaking to me. One day we were the same as we've always been and the next day I was persona non grata with him. There was no argument. There was no disagreement. He shut me out completely and did it without a word of explanation. It stung. It hurt me more than I can say because I thought we were real friends. I don't let people in very easily and I had let him in. I trusted him. We had gotten pretty close in recent months and a change in circumstance pretty much demanded that he either a) admit that we were more than just __________ or b) push me away in such a way that negated that acknowledgment from ever having to happen. I don't think he knew how to handle openly acknowledging that to me, to himself or to other people. It seems strange to write that because so many other people already knew there was more to us than just an arranged acquaintance. I think he got scared and pushed me away in the harshest way possible because if I hated him then he would never have to face any of it.

We still have to speak to and see each other. I am not going to go into what capacity that entails. You can probably guess. I just don't want to say it. He attempts to interact with me as if if everything is completely normal and seems to expect me to just let it go and make him feel like it is all okay. He gets angry at me because I can't and won't do that. I can't simply pretend for his sake. He has burned all of his bridges with me and has no right to expect me to consider what he wants in all of this. I gave him more than he deserved. When he began pushing me away I told him how I felt. I was completely honest with him. Yet he was nothing but cold to me. After years of knowing each other he just threw it all away.

I've written all of this to say that even though June was hard and left me feeling like I had gotten my teeth kicked in, I am in pretty good shape in spite of it all. I didn't curl up into a ball. I didn't stop fighting the fight. I indulged in eating more than I should have for a month or so, but I didn't dive off into a massive uncontrollable binge. I'm alright. In the past that would have crippled me. I would have let the hurt and the anger drive me to a non-stop orgy of overeating and permanent residence on the couch. But now? I'm good. I've grown. The change in lifestyle that I've been pursuing for over a year now has become real for me. It isn't simply an intangible ideal anymore. It is a part of me now.

Has It Been That Long?

I have not blogged since the beginning of April.

I knew it was a long time but not THAT long.

I.must.do.better.

Life is good. I am still on the diet and working out. The most exciting news is that I am about to move down into a size I haven't been in since I was a teenager. It is a HUGE move too because it is an entirely different size range. I am about to go from a 20 to an 18. More to come on that later. I am going to swing by and catch up on reading what you all have been up to after I get home and do my evening walk/run tonight. See you then.

ETA: I thought I would show off my latest progress picture (taken June 26th). I feel quite normal looking in this picture, almost to the point of leaving the fatty behind me forever!