Where have I been for the past 4 months?
Long story short? I have lost, re-gained, lost (repeat cycle a few times) the same 15 pounds over and over again. It has been frustrating to say the least. On the upside I am now on the losing end of that 15 pounds once again and am no worse off than I was at the end of June and that is a major miracle in and of itself.
Now for the longer story.
June was hard.
I've known a man for years. We've always gotten along and had developed, or at least what I thought had developed into, a pretty great friendship. When we attended events, we always hung out almost exclusively with each other. He always approached me. I left that up to him because I wanted it to be his choice and not my inserting myself where I was not wanted. He's known me at my heaviest weight ever - back in the days when all I wore were stretchy pants and t-shirts because I couldn't fit into anything else and never wore makeup or paid much attention to my hair. In other words, he has seen me at my worst and still chose to spend time with me. This guy was a solid guy. He was one of the good people, or so I thought.
In June he decided to stop speaking to me. One day we were the same as we've always been and the next day I was persona non grata with him. There was no argument. There was no disagreement. He shut me out completely and did it without a word of explanation. It stung. It hurt me more than I can say because I thought we were real friends. I don't let people in very easily and I had let him in. I trusted him. We had gotten pretty close in recent months and a change in circumstance pretty much demanded that he either a) admit that we were more than just __________ or b) push me away in such a way that negated that acknowledgment from ever having to happen. I don't think he knew how to handle openly acknowledging that to me, to himself or to other people. It seems strange to write that because so many other people already knew there was more to us than just an arranged acquaintance. I think he got scared and pushed me away in the harshest way possible because if I hated him then he would never have to face any of it.
We still have to speak to and see each other. I am not going to go into what capacity that entails. You can probably guess. I just don't want to say it. He attempts to interact with me as if if everything is completely normal and seems to expect me to just let it go and make him feel like it is all okay. He gets angry at me because I can't and won't do that. I can't simply pretend for his sake. He has burned all of his bridges with me and has no right to expect me to consider what he wants in all of this. I gave him more than he deserved. When he began pushing me away I told him how I felt. I was completely honest with him. Yet he was nothing but cold to me. After years of knowing each other he just threw it all away.
I've written all of this to say that even though June was hard and left me feeling like I had gotten my teeth kicked in, I am in pretty good shape in spite of it all. I didn't curl up into a ball. I didn't stop fighting the fight. I indulged in eating more than I should have for a month or so, but I didn't dive off into a massive uncontrollable binge. I'm alright. In the past that would have crippled me. I would have let the hurt and the anger drive me to a non-stop orgy of overeating and permanent residence on the couch. But now? I'm good. I've grown. The change in lifestyle that I've been pursuing for over a year now has become real for me. It isn't simply an intangible ideal anymore. It is a part of me now.