Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Is This Me?

As of today, October 28th, 2008:

  • I have lost a total of 64.8 pounds.

  • I am 1.2 pounds away from being one third of the way through losing the total amount of weight I want to lose. Update: I hit the mark today (10.29.08). One third of the total amount of weight I wanted to lose is gone!

  • I am 5.2 pounds away from breaking the 300 pound barrier - heading downward on the scale instead of upward.

  • I am 35.2 pounds away from losing a total of 100 pounds.
Is this me?

Seriously! Is this me? I am finding myself feeling completely overwhelmed that I have lost this much weight. I am successfully dieting and getting healthy for the first time in my entire life. I am thrilled beyond belief, but I am also feeling a bit of terror as well. It is hard to explain this to people because there should be no downside to losing weight, should there? I am finally doing the one thing I have wanted to do since I began to pack on the pounds back in my early 20s. I am finally conquering the one thing that has crippled me emotionally and physically for half of my lifetime.

So, why is there so much anxiety involved? I assume it involves losing the wall of fat that has kept me safe for so long. There aren't a whole lot of choices to be made when you begin to resemble a large farm animal except deciding whether to wolf down pizza, burgers or tacos each night. But now the wall of fat is crumbling and a new, thinner, healthier version of me is emerging. I am really kind of scared of the bright lights and all of the options that are suddenly being thrust upon me. These things are scary! I might have to actively engage in my own life instead of merely being a bystander in others' lives. How do I do that? How do I become the woman I have always wanted to be, but couldn't because of the prison I've been stuck in for my entire adult life? I've lived on the outskirts of society, never daring to stake my own place in this world. Now? I've got things to figure out. The whole world is opening up to me in ways that I have never had to face before. It is also happening a whole lot sooner than I even anticipated when I've dreamed of what I would do IF I ever lost weight.

See? I am having a bit of a panic just typing this post while thinking about all of it.

How do I do this thing called life now?

1 comment:

Wendi said...

one day at a time, one step at a time, one decision at a time. Start small, you didn't drop out of live overnight, don't except to conquer it in a day. You've made great progress, just keep it up, things will start to flow and feel natural.

Post a Comment

Talk to me!