Sunday, December 14, 2008

Scrapping The Plan

I'm a planner.  I rarely do anything at all without first having analyzed it to death and drawn up a plan to carry it out.

So, in regards to this whole losing 200 pounds thing I had very definite ideas of how things would play out, because I had a plan.

Step 1 - Lose 200 pounds
Step 2 - Start To Live My Life

Its a short plan.  It doesn't involve too many steps.  Clearly there is a line in the sand that has been drawn.  I will lose weight and then start thinking about living my life and thinking about all that it entails, including maybe actually attempting to have a relationship.

Someone told me once that "man plans and God laughs."  God must get a real kick out of me because I am sure that I am a constant source of amusement with all of the planning I do.  I can't help it really, I'm a Virgo and that is the very core of our existence - keeping order.

So having mapped out this fantastic plan that just can't fail, because it has steps and all, I find myself in a pickle because Step 2 is starting to kick in before Step 1 is complete.  How the frak did that happen?  Didn't Step 2 get the memo that it was to wait until Step 1 was done?  Argh!

I have found myself being interested in a man that I believe is interested in me.  He's analytical and awkward like myself.  That is appealing.  It is also frustrating because neither one of us can pull the trigger and actually talk about all that has been going on between us.  We've been doing this dance for nearly a year now.  

I don't know how this happened in the first place because I always have my guard up to shield myself from being hurt via rejection and complete humiliation.  The constant tape that runs in my head screams that I'm not ready yet!  I haven't finished losing all of the weight that will make me attractive to men!  But the funny thing is that I didn't have my guard up with him.  I didn't need to.  Of all the men in the world for me to become attracted to and have feelings for he was not even in the top 80% of that list.   In fact, I detested him for the first two years that I knew him.  I was safe with him.  But now?  I'm not safe at all. 

You know that scene in Sixteen Candles where Sam is standing in front of Jake at the dance and just can't speak to him?  That is me.  I feel like that all the time with him.  My heart is constantly in my throat.  I am sure it is the same with him.  He blushes an awfully lot when he speaks to me.  It is endearing and maddening at the same time.  We have so much fun together and always find ourselves hanging out together at all of the functions we attend.  It is hilarious that two awkward, socially inept people who were forced into attending these events in the first place will now stay and talk to each other the entire time.  I want more.  And now I am finding myself wanting to embrace Step 2 before I have even completed Step 1.  Actually, I want to scrap the plan entirely.

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